Oh young love… *sigh*
Your like a double edged sword; creating beautiful and painful memories for the adolescent. Right now I want to write out of pure frustration because sometimes you just need to express your thoughts, but not to a person who will tell you exactly what you want to hear but through writing where every word written contains feelings of great measure.
It’s hard to live with your ex boyfriend, especially when you both decide to remain friends. I look back and I wonder where the time has gone? When did the love we had for each other turn from “the love you share with someone who you want to spend eternity with” to just “the love of a friend.” Sure the companionship is still there but how do I know that you’ll always have my back? How can I be sure that I’ll always have yours? I can’t be sure of anything right now.
Moving in together at such an early point in our lives was very spontaneous I will admit but it’s not that I regret the decision. For Christ’s sake, that was the best decision I ever made! The only downfall is what do we do now? We still share the same room. We “supposedly” share the same bed but let’s be real, he’s been sleeping on the floor and on the couch ever since we broke up (whether he says he was drunk or not). But overall, I can understand. Things are definitely awkward right now. It’s weird being in his presence at times and I don’t know how to properly respond to him anymore when all I want to do is ask him to leave me alone but at the same time, ask him to just forget our friends and spend time with me again. Yet, it’s unavoidable.
I look back and I can see the changes. I can see when our love turned from romantic to platonic. My ex’s priorities has always been dance. Now I’m not saying that he purposefully ignored me in anyway but while dance was a big part of his life and mine, it started becoming less and less important to me. My priority was, and still is, to get my bachelors degree in nursing. I’m in school 8 to 4, Monday through Friday while my ex would have practices, meetings (because he’s director of the dance group) and video shoots throughout the week. I stopped hanging out with people while he continued to do so. Basically, we started seeing less and less of each other as the months went on to the point where we turned into two people who happen to share a room.
So things are definitely different now. Things have drastically changed from the routine I had before. No holding hands. No kissing. And No sex (which might actually be the hardest thing for me just because I like sex a lot). I’m not even sure if I feel comfortable expressing my day to day feelings to him just yet. But in time, and I mean several weeks from now, I’m sure I will be.